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Stranded

Ramblings

by Avian

This page is full of ramblings that I think of every now and then. It might contain coarse language.

 

Regarding what looks like a summary in the back of the 7th edition rulebook

The idea is supposedly that by providing a list of stats (but not points costs, unit sizes, equipment options or special rules), noobs will be able to use the models they have to fight battles, even without army books. Continuing this ludicrus idea, they seem to have thought that altering some of the stats to compensate for the lack of points cost, unit sizes, equipment options or special rules (without telling anyone that this was the intention) would make this list of stats more playable for the noobs.

Thus we see that Banshees do not have their Ethereal special rule mentioned and is instead listed as having Toughness 7, which someone apparently thought would make it useable.

I doubt this idea enjoys much success and to me it just sounds like something someone high up in the management chain with no concept for how the game works could have come up with.

 


 

The discussion of knights versus spearmen crops up on internet fora every now and then - the spearmen-owners wanting their pole arms to have some sort of bonus against cavalry, arguing that you wouldn't get a horse to charge into a wall of sharp, pointy spears. Meanwhile the knight-owners argue that the horse doesn't know the spears are dangerous and that it is quite possible to get a horse (not the brightest animal around) to charge head first into a brick wall, because the animal doesn't know what's going to happen.

That may or may not be true, but it is certainly missing the point.

What you really have to ask yourself is: Would you really want the horse you are sitting on to ride head first into a brick wall? What do you really think would happen to you if it did?

Warhammer has a flaw in that when a unit of knights charges a unit of infantry the knights neatly stop in base contact so that the riders can poke at the poor grunts with their lances. In reality, what you would get when a horseman riders full tilt into a unit of infantry is a crash. The horse would land several metres into the formation, probably doing serious injury to itself (and flattening quite a few infantrymen in the process), while the rider would be thrown and most likely suffer serious injury.

The horse may not know that this is the likely outcome, but the rider certainly does and being a knight (i.e. a nobleman) would probably not wish to commit suicide in such an undignified manner.

Knights, in their grand times, probably did not face decent, disciplined infantry, as infantry was generally looked down upon in the middle ages (even the term is from that period and has the same root as "infant", signifying that the foot soldiers were like children). However, Warhammer brings together warriors based on many different time periods, including ones where there were decent and disciplined infanry.

 


 

In Warhammer you may use a pistol as an additional hand weapon in close combat. Because it is a missile weapon it always hits with a strength of 4. Fair enough.
In addition you don't have to reload it in close combat as it is assumed that the pistol is used as a heavy club and many pistols have weighted butts for this purpose. So if it's used as a club the question is: Why does it always hit with a Strength of 4?

 


 

The bretonnian warhorse is an elven steed that has been loaded up with so much armor over the years that it will not go faster, even if you lighten it's load.

So for example, if an elven knight were to race a bretonnian knight they would both be about equal but if the elf suddenly decided to ditch the armour his horse would go faster. If the bretonnian did the same thing nothing would happen.

 


 

Scene: The halls of Castle Tempelhof. The necromancer Immanuel Rotzahn is trying to get the vampire count Hermann von Carstein to buy one of his great monsters.

Immanuel: "And last m'lord I present to you the masterpiece of my collection. The pinnacle of my art! Far more dangerous than any one of the dead creatures it has been created from! The all new Winged Nightmare!"
(No applause)
Hermann: "Interesting. What is it made of?"
Immanuel: "Mostly hippogriff with a touch of manticore and griffon as well, m'lord"
Hermann: "Impressive. I bet it's a good fighter, then?"
Immanuel: "Eh, no, m'lord. It has a Weapon skill of 3."
Hermann: "3? But the griffon and hippogriff have 5 and the manticore has 6. I bet it makes up for it by having a Strength of 7, same as the manticore, then."
Immanuel: "Oh, yes, m'lord. Strength is seven. When it's charging, that is."
Hermann: "Only when charging? What is it at other times?"
Immanuel: "Five, m'lord."
Hermann: "I see. So is it fast, then? High Initiative?"
Immanuel: "Bit faster than a troll, m'lord."
Hermann: "Lots of Attacks?"
Immanuel: "Three, m'lord. The same as a troll."
Hermann: "Terrifying?"
Immanuel: "Mildly scary, m'lord."
Hermann: "So is there any point at which this creature is better than the worst of the creatures that you made it from?"
Immanuel: "When it runs along the ground it's faster than a griffon and a manticore, m'lord."
Hermann: "In other words, what you're tellng me is that this undead creature is far more dangerous than a dead griffon, a dead manticore and so on. Is that it?"
Immanuel: "Basically, m'lord, yes. That's pretty much it. "

 


 

Scene: The Shrine of Asuryan, approx. -2750 IC. Present are Malekith (the soon-to-be witch king of the dark elves) Bel Shanaar (the second phoenix king) and various elven nobles and retainers.

Malekith: "And the reason that I have gathered you all here today is because I have found out who the leader behind this infamous Cult of Peasure is."
Nobles: "Tell us! Tell us, o fair and wise Malekith!"
Bel Shanaar: "Yes, do tell us, my most trusted advisor Malekith!"
Malekith: "It is with great sorrow that I have to reveal that the foul leader of these decadent fiends is none other than..." [dramatic pause] "The Phoenix King Bel Shanaar himself!"
Bel Shanaar: "Oh, how can I live with such a disgrace. Servants, fetch my chalice o' poison."
[A servant hurries up with the poisoned cup. The Phoenix King swallows down and drops stone dead]
Malekith [a bit surprised, but happy]: Well, that was certainly easy.

 


 

Scene: A hall in Kislev castle in the year 2303. Chaos forces are besieging the city and a line of knightly champions are waiting to get their banners. First in the line is a champion of the Knights of the Blazing Sun.

Clerk at desk: "Just to check: Would you and your unit ever go to battle without a banner?"
Knight of the Blazing Sun: "Well, I guess so, if we have to. The Knights of the Blazing Sun will do anything to protect the Empire."
Clerk [ticking off a point on a list]: "Right. Here's your banner, then. That'll be 39 gold coins, thank you."
[The knight pays, takes his banner and leaves. Next in line is a bretonnian Knight of the Realm, arrived from far of Quenelles to assist the Emperor.]
Clerk: "And you, good Sir: Would you and your unit ever go to battle without a banner?"
Knight of the Realm [with strong bretonnian accent, shocked]: "Never! Our code of honour forbids it."
Clerk: "Ok, then. Here's your banner free of charge. Have a nice day."
[Several imperial knights further down the line start to complain.]
Knight of the White Wolf: "Why does that pansy get a free banner and we don't?"
Reiksguard Knight: "Yeah! We are the Emperor's personal guard and we have to pay for our banners. He's nothing but a regular Jaques in the field and HE get's his banners for free."
Clerk [tries to calm down the angry knights]: "Ah, yes you see, but they have different traditions from us, you see.
[A fight breaks out and it doesn't get any better when a group of visiting high elven dragon princes come by to pick up their special half price magical banner.]

 

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